Mid Week Matters: Shyriiwook bitches...

Wyaaaaaa. Ruh ruh. Wooo hwa hwa?

If you aren't a Wookie, or do not understand Shyriiwook, then you probably wont know what I just said. Could be anything for all you know. I could have put a hex upon your first born child, Or I could have confessed my love for you. Fortunately for you, I didn't do either of those things.Mainly because I don't know how to and I copied and pasted "Hello, how are you? Nice weather today, eh?" from the Shyriiwook page on  Wookieeoedia. I found this because I thought it would be hilarious to google 'Wookie language'. Turns out it was hilarious, I'll give you a few of my favourites from the Wookiepedia page.

Wua ga ma uma ahuma ooma. ("I think my arm has been pulled out of the socket.")

Never play Chess with a Wookie. 

Rowr ahragh awf ahraroww rowh rohngr grgrff rf rf. (approximately: "He says he's a Jedi Knight now.") 

I love the use of the word  approximately here.

Waag ahyeg ha. ("I can't reach that.")

In all seriousness, I should probably memorize that one in case I find myself on Kashyyyk one day and enter a shop. The quote 'Aren't you a little short to be a Storm Trooper doesn't even come close when you're 4 foot 6 inches.

Mu waa waa. ("Please leave me alone.")
Mu na ya. ("Please go away.")

 I would actually use these two a lot as well. People annoy me, I don't see how Wookies wouldn't.

• (1) ah
• (2) ah-ah
• (3) a-oo-ah
• (4) wyoorg
• (5) ah wyoorg
• (6) hu yourg
• (7) muwaa yourg
• (8) ah muwaa yourg
• (9) a-oo-mu
• (10) a-oo-mu wyad

This is my absolute favourite. Counting in Wookie. Do it! Go on, it's great fun. Say it out loud.


So there we have the basics of Shyriiwook, but what if you want to learn more? Or just pretend you know more than you do to impress that certain Wookie friend of yours? C'mon admit it, we all love a bit of Wookie nookie. Well, I also found a Shyriiwook online translator.

Now, I did actually cross reference the two sources and well.. if you remember 'please leave me alone' is 'Mu waa waa'...

 

So they're not exact translations, but they'll do. Just be careful when talking to real Wookies. You wouldn't want to lose an arm.

Sundays Hate Campaign: Christmas Special

I'm ill. Like srsly. I've been in bed since lunch time watching House with a migraine and back ache... I just wanted to crawl over to the PC and write something today, since I missed last weeks Hate Campaign. I can't remember why I missed that actually, I was probably masturbating. Or something.
However, I do hate being ill. I've always hated  being ill... I mean really, what is the point of it all? Why does the universe insist I spend the next two weeks in bed, coughing and in pain? Wtf did I do wrong, hmm? I mean sure I didn't buy anyone Christmas presents and I laughed at a dead cat last week, but really? Is that any reason to inflict this monstrosity of nature upon me? I don't think this is fair at all. No I'm joking... I didn't laugh at a dead cat.... that's just evil. 
However... I will admit, I didn't buy Christmas presents... I should re-phrase that really... I wasn't able to buy Christmas presents for my family this year because I've been flat out broke. Until I got my Christmas bonus... Two days before Christmas. Yay! I had £200 and no time to do anything with it. So... I ordered myself a Christmas present. Okay... I know, that is selfish. But I can justify myself. 

1. I am going to get my family some kind of gift in a few weeks, when I get paid again.

2. The thing that I ordered was actually a Death Trooper... Let me explain...

A Death Trooper is a Storm Trooper which is a zombie. Totally awesome right? I know. Well, these Death Trooper busts are fairly rare, there are only 2,500 that were made. I'm getting this thing shipping from California, at the cost of £30... WTF?! Yeh I know, Star Wars makes me do crazy things. Mix Star Wars with Zombies and there's no way you'll ever get any sense from me. I'm just not programed to handle that much awesome at one time. Sure, I can watch Return of the Jedi and then Shaun of the Dead, but if there was such a film as 'Shaun of the Jedi' ... I think I would literally overload. Anyways, maybe you'll understand when you see just how amazing this bust is...

BUT WAIT! There's more... It also has detachable plates which reveal the gross flesh of our Trooper.. AND.. Another attachable right arm with a blaster... REALLY! How could I not? All in all, it cost me £70... Most of which was shipping (probably, I can't do math). I ordered it direct from Gentle Giant which I think was a better idea than ordering from ebay, which, although the guy had 100% positive feedback, seemed... Weird to me. I like official. I like to have something from the shop that made it (or ya' know.. is licenced to sell it). Probably why I never liked ebay. But doesn't explain why I love Amazon. Anyway, I'm rambling on now, which is boring.
Basically, what I'm saying it... I've been dealt the sick card by the universe because I selfishly bought a limited edition Star Wars Death Trooper. And even though the universe knows (or at least believes) I'll go out and buy them something, it still decided that my time off work will be better spent in bed with a bad back and a head ache. I think.

Mid Week Matters: Princess Leia/Optimus Prime/R2D2 ... and Jar Jar Binks....

This is going to be my new weekly feature. Every Wednesday I'm going to bring you one or two of my favourite things I've found on the Internet in that week. And yes, I know, I'm sorry I didn't report in this Sunday for 'Sundays Hate Campaign' and  to be honest I can't remember why... I was probably dead. Anyway, this first installment of 'Mid Week Matters' includes a very... interesting Fan Fic from ComicsNix. A friend of mine had sent me a link to the story on Topless Robot (where you can find other hilarious Fics) last night and honestly, I don't remember the last time I laughed this hard. I'll just get on with it, because it's absolutely superb.


The story takes place in 'Return of the Jedi' while Leia, R2-D2 and C3-PO are being held captive by Jabba the Hutt. Here's what happened before Luke Skywalker showed up...

Optimus Prime is entering Megatorn secret base. The fight was vicious and the other transformers got caught. Optimus need to free them. Them, he enters Megatron knig chamber:

"egatro! Free my transformer pals or sufeer lead metal consequences!" shout Potimus.


"AHAHAHH! You will never defeat me Leader of the autoboys! The deceptcions wil rule the galaxy!"

 Er... I think that's Megatron? Also... Autoboys? I LOVE IT!

"You will have to jump over my dead corpse!" and Optimus run at Megatron's direction, shooting blaster projectiles. Megatron runs to a secret chamber and Optius go behind. But it's a TRAP!

 

Optimus get stuck into a titanium metal bar cages, and Megatron brags:

"Now Optimus, you will be my finaceer! Will help to pay my Death Satellite to kill the earth!"

"What?"

Megatron open his Spaceship and embarks the jailbirded Optimus Prime. He set a couse to a distant planet, on a galaxy far way.

HA HA NICE! I like the reference.

 After some weeks, the Megatron's space ship arrives at Tatooine. He seeks for Jaba the Hutt, who recieves him:

    "So Megatron" say Jobba ", brought me the specimen?"

    "Yes" say Megatro" where's the money?"

    "Here, and it was very a good exchange I hope we made."

    "For sure Jabba, now, here, your new slave." and Megatron lend Optimus to Jabba.

Well, I hope Jabba has the courtesy of returning Prime to Megs once he's finished with him...

"Ah" say Jabba, "a new robot to my collection. You wil entertain my cotumers for some time"

    Optimus is very angry and shout to Jabba:

    "I'll never be your slave. You cannot control me!"

    "Yes I can, if you try to escape, I will kill your cell companions!" and Jabba take Optimus to his cell. There, he finds the other prisioner Jabba was talking about:

    "Hi, I'm Leia, this R2-d2 and this is C3-PO."

    "Hi Lei,a I'm Optimus Prime, Leader of Autobots. What they are going to do?"

Hopefully go as far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
Oh and btw... A 30 foot robot can't just walk the fuck outta there? Hmm..

 "Well, I don't know. Jabba said he opened a new service on Tatooine to entertain people from staying from other planets. I hope he don't kill us...if only I could contact Luke, my brother..."

    "Don't be afraidd Leia, I will find a way out." and they waited and talked. Leia told about the rebels, Han Solo in the carbonite and her love for him. The next day, guards wakaned the prisioners and took them to the Colosseum. It ws very big, an was full of aliens and people from all over the universe. Jabba speakes at an microphone:

    "Greetings dear customers. Welcome to the first Luxury Multi Species Colloseum of the galaxy! Here, our first slaves will have pleasures beyond imagination, and will please you too. Don't feel ashamed, put your clothes off and jerk at will. No extra expenses are charged by cleaning the place. Toilet paper is at your right side of your chair. Codoms are charged separately. Have safe sex...and let the show begins!"

I hope that paper isn't the scratchy kind you get in super market restrooms... Not that I've knocked on out in a supermarket...

Optimus are there, looking around seeing that multitute of people. He can do nothing, even if he tries to fight, Jabba can kill Leia and the others. They are fragile, so he must let go his pride and please that hautingly audience of pedos.

"Dude... we're at the wrong show again. I don't wanna watch a thousand year old cybertronian robot.... Way too old for me bro"

    All of the five slaves have micro microphones, so wath they say, the audience can enjoy. Jabba firmed a contract with the costumers that moanings and profanities are a right they have, so the slaves must keep shit chatting while sodomizing one another. Prime sits on the dirty ground and wait. Leia comes near him:

    "Oh Optimus, sorry that we met this way..."

"Don't be ashamed Leian, it's not our free will that approves this horrifying spectacle of pure sacrilege against flesh and circuits. It will be over in some hours." said the twenty foot tall robot.

A COUPLE OF HOURS?! Jeez... Whens the next flight to Cybertron....

  Leia jumped on Primus legs and walked to his hips.

    "Now Optimus, show me your metal cock." said Princess Leia with a moaning and whoring voice and readly, Optimus engaged into the sex serving mode. A hatch opened, and slowly, a cilindrical monster of lead and gold emerged from the opening crotch gate. It was shinning and was totally waxed. But was to big to Leia to be fucked. Forty inches of diameter and and six feet of height.

Honestly, I don't know what to say to this, there's so many things going on.. 'Sex serving mode' ... 'Opening crotch gate' ... 'Totally waxed' ...  If I wasn't laughing, I'd be turned on.

Jabba was not pleased:

"How that stupid robot can penetrate Leia now? His dick is taller than me! Megatron fooled me!" regreted Jabba. He kept thinking about a solution.

Leia looked and, because the show must go on, she did her best while Jabba tries to fix the sittuation.

"Oh Optimus, I guess I have to tenderize you metal dick for me to fully apreciate it's wonderfullness."

Stupid robot, how dare you displease Jabba! ... Er tenderizing a giant metal cock? Makes sense to me...

"Leia, your leather clad bikini lighten up my boron buttocks!"

This however, doesn't.

Leia rubbed with her stretched arms the metal dick, up and down, but it was dragging her skin. Even if it was polished and had no jagged edges, she needed to lubricate it:

    "Prime, do you have something good to facilitate my work/?"

    "Yes my power love. Here, have this squezing tube. It contains graphite. Just rub all all will be alright" and Leia did it. Her body got darkened by the graphite dust, but she liked it, and masturbating Potimus got very easy and pleasurable.

    R2-D2 aproached Optimus and asked permission to land.

First things first... Power love. I hope to God someone uses that as a pet name for me one day. Secondly... Permission to land?

"Granted my fellow cilindrical pal, you can enter my dark caves of mystery." said Optimus.

DARK CAVES OF MYSTERY!! 

 "Blip Blop Blop!" said R2-D2. This was his first time fucking a robot. He was completely virgin, and was very ashamed he had to expose his intimacy in front of an audience of millions. But their lifes were at stake, so he must swallow all of his prejudcies and engage full head in this life altering experience.

    "Leia" said Optimus," hang on!" and Leia hold very harder Optmus dick. Optimus got up a bit and gave space to R2-D2. Leia was hanging on Optimus dick while R2-D2 seached the best cordinates to penetrate Optimus experimental anus. Luckly for him, Prime's anus was automated to adjust the best diameter for foreign objects entering him.R2-D2 positioned and Optimus seated on him. 

Wow.. that was lucky huh?

 R2 was shaking and freightened. Optimus anal cavity was dark and moist, had some loose wires and was rusting from inside. He started to think sex was not made to coward robots like him.

    "Don't be afraid" said Optimus to R2 "I'll help you!" and Optimus bowels lights got on. Everything wwas iluminated and R2 really saw what it really was.

Dear Santa... I want Bowel Lights.

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place. A camera apppeared from a wall and photographed R2-D2, and immediatelly put a portrait of him on a the bowel wall.

I promise you will never read a better sentence then 'A beautifully a adorned rectum' ... EVER!
Also I seem to remember that Bumblebee was the only thing that ever went up Primes arse. OH SNAP!

Optimus bowel's walls were made of carbon nanotubes covered with soft pinky pillows of pure petunia's cotton. They ajusted on the fly the pressure over R2 body and the elevator speed, acording to R2-D2 willingness to go deeper with his innermost sexual fantasies. At first R2 wanted togo slow, to fell the texture on his metal cover. But latter, his inhibition got away, and the elevator got faster, and Optimus got a surprise for him. Neon gas tubes apeared on the walls, and a range of different colors illuminate inside Optimus's ass with all colors of the spectrum. It was a really shame R2-D2 couldn't smell the daisy fragance permeating Optimus Prime's anus. R2 had no nose.

I forgot what was written after 'R2 had no nose' ... Too busy laughing. Oh wait I remember... Yeah, for bowels that sounds like a lovely place to be, might visit there next summer.

As R2-D2 was a robot, even infrared and ultraviolet colors appeared, and that profusion of rainbow happyness filled R2-D2 with the purest passion he never had from his robotic pairs. He always was considered the freak of the robot school. Every robot dispised him, because of his adventurous ambition. He wanted to see the stars, the other life forms. He didn1t want to be a hamburger frying slave all of his life, doing menial tasks that no one would remember in the future. No, he wanted to be remembered, wanted to leave a mark on history.

His robotic schoolmates were just stupid for him, so he picked fights all the grades he did. Trouble was hhis name and no one loved him, because no one approved his future plans for his life. But finally, he found someone robot that can see him from inside, someone that want to please him, that wants to give a hand and collect nothing in return. C3-PO is his friend, but Optimus is his lover.

Easy to assume Prime is your lover when you're fully immersed in his anus while he's being jacked off by princess Leia. I wish this was my life.

To return the favour to Optimus opening his eyes to the sexual lust all robots should have in their lifes, R2-D2 started to expell small shock waves inside Optimus bowel, giving the Autobot the most tender demonstration of love and gratitute he ever recieved in his life. This action reflected at Optimus penis, that got slightly more elongated, something that pleased Leia:

    "Optimus Prime" said Princess Leia with a sensual voice, "you are a very horny individual!"

    "Oh Leia, don't say that. Actually, this is the first time someone rubs my dick."

    While rubbing Optimus dick with her humid engorged vagina, Leia felt a bit sorry for that robot:

'Poor giant robot' :(  *rub rub rub*

"Oh Optimus, you don't use your cock with much frequency don't you?"

    Optimus lowered his head and sighed:

    "...no. It is a problem being this tall. My autobot friends don't have sexual apeetites actually. Being the leader, I'm the only capable of maintaning sexual intercouse systems. No other autobot have it...and being anally penetrated don't really give me chills."

Hey Prime... I think I know of a few 'bots who are relatively the same size as you.... Who cares if they can't 'maintain sexual intercourse' ... Rape was invented for a reason.

Leia got tears in her eyes. She embrace Optimus dick very hard, trying to consolate that lone robot...but life is not that easy. She wanted to be twenty foot tall that moment.

"Allright!" said Jabba to Optimus from the microphone "my engineers are going to adapt this organic penis at your crotch. This will give somethnig more consitent in terms of action to our marvellous costumers." and a couple of alien men went and started to addaptate the strange alien penis to Prime's body.

WARNING: If you're standing up, sit down. If you're drinking, put the cup down, if you're eating, swallow that last mouthful and stop. You need to be prepared for this next sentence... Here goes..

That penis was the property of a long dead alien.

 Jar Jar Binks to be more exact.

No really! That actually just happened and you actually just read that!

After the jedi massacre by the Emperor and Lord Vader, Jar Jar was captured when he was hiding at Tatooine by Jabba's bontyhunters. He was tortured for a week without rest, and after that time, his body got quartered and his penis was sealed inside a carbonite container. A little trophy Jabba had been saving, but his new business need some sacrifices to be made, so now he uses Jar Jar's penis for a greater purpose.

After a while, it's done. The penis is active and Optimus can control it. His entire life he has been praying for a small penis, and now, he have one, given by his owner Jabba. Leia looked Optimus eyes and smilled tenderly. The Jar Jar penis got attached on the top of Optimus metal penis. It looked like a small phimosis.

 AAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHA... It looked like a small phimosis!! HAHAHAHAHA.. *breaths* ... God damn, this is by far the best thing I have ever read in my life. Way better than the very hungry caterpillar.

Leia climb his metal dick and reach the top. The moment arrived, finally, Optimus can fuck. Leia slowly put his alien dick inside her wet vagina, and Prime enjoy. Leia doesn't even is felling ashamed of showing her sexual skills in front of millions of spectators. This moment is owned by the two, and they live it to the maximum their bodies permit.

    But now, they are reaching their climaxes, and Optimus didn't thought a plan on how to go away. But Leia, while fucking looked to Optimus eyes and made lips movements, and Prime read her lips:

    "Contact...Luke...his phone number...is...1...2...3...63...26...7.4...2...4...753.1." and Optimus did. No one could know he was doing that, they had no telephone jammers at the Colisseum. While in contaact with Luke Skywalker, Optimus gave him cordinates of Jabba's palace, and now, he can save Leia.

Wait, this bit's awesome..

The climax arrived. This is the moment Optimus and Leia have been waiting, they consumation of their love for one another, the most pleasurable experience a robot can achieve in his fight directed existence. The Jar Jar penis is ready to cum...Leia's pussy is getting tighter...R2-D2 is already cuming his cumming liquids. ..and them...it fails.

IT FAILS?! Oh what? JAR JAR WHY DO YOU RUIN EVERYTHING?!

Jar Jar's penis get flacid and not a small drip of juice get out. It simply failed. Leia lowered her head, all of the costumers started to shout, profanize and throw tomatoes and lettuces at the sex slaves. Jabba got angry, because his plan got all wrong, and everyone want the money back. But the slaves will pay!

    After they returned inside Jabba's palace, Jabba started to talk to them:

    "Now, I gonna kill you all, starting by..." but he was interupted.

    "Sir, Luke Skywalker is heading to our direction." 

Hang on just a minute. AT the beginning of the story it took Megatron a couple of WEEKS to get to Jabba's palace... Skywalker can be spotted on his way there in a few minutes? Wtf? Was he next door or something?

"Luke uh...the execution will wait...come on robots and Leia...you Optimus, stay in the cage, or Leia dies in the Sarlacc pit if I come back and don't see you!" and Optimus stayied at the cell. Leia told him to go away. Luke could save them. But he wanted to stay...his love for her created a strong bound between them. But no, the autoboys are priority...he must go back and save them. Optimus sneaked out of the palace and stole a ship and headed to earth.

 AH-HAAA! Again with the Autoboys... Should be a boy band.

    While in the ship heading back...he felt something inside his pocket.

In his pocket? In his POCKET?! .... I don't know much about building robots, but I'm fairly sure they don't have pockets...

 It was a letter! From Leuia! It reads:

    "Optimus, we are in middle of a war, and you and your companions too. But, after all of this ends, please...come back. Now I know who the men of my life is...it's not Solo, it you. I must stay with him after you depart...but if you come back...my arms will be open for you. Love you so much, Leia" and the letter ends. Optimus knew he had a long battle against the Decepticons...but one day...he will make his woman happy...one day.

WONDERFUL! She spend weeks traveling the universe with poor ol' Solo, soon as a giant robot comes along and fucks her, she's ditchin' Solo... Typical.

I should point out now that ComicsNix is a notorious Fan Fic troll and he simply does this 'for the lulz'. I was gonna say that before you read it, but I thought that would take some of the magic away. HOWEVER! All typos are real... It's copied and pasted from the original... Nothing has been tempered with, I promise you. I couldn't make this story any better if my life depended on it.

Sundays Hate Campaign

My dear followers and lurkers... From now on Ben Collins will no longer feature in Sundays Hate Campaign. Not because I don't hate him, because I still do, a lot. But here's the thing... I hate Ben for taking The Stig away from me in the first place, that should never have happened, but what over-writes my hatred for him, is my love for Top Gear, who has managed to somehow give the magic of Stig back to me. So, Mr. Collins, you will no longer be my resident 'Hated Thing' each week. Though I probably will remind you on occasion.

So this week I have someone new.... Cher Lloyd. Before tonight, I could happily ignore her and pretend she wasn't there. But then this happened...



If you're not angered by this in one way or another, you're very strange and I'd probably dislike you if I met you. Sorry. Anyways... The lyrics that she is 'singing' in this clip are from a Deadmau5 track called 'Sofi Needs A Ladder' .. usually these lyrics are sung by Tommy Lee's partner, Sofi.



Apart from the fact that Cher Lloyd should never have been there to sing that song. If you cast your mind back to the beginning of the competition she claimed that she 'writes her own raps' ... Hmm... Somethings not right here, since she has never sang or rapped an original line in the whole show (Well, from what I've watched of it, which is a lot more than I should have) Anyways, it pissed me off is what I'm saying. I'm not sure if there's a rational reason for it tbh. Maybe its because it's yet another Deadmau5 track on a national TV show. Maybe it's because Cher Lloyd has always been an ugly little troll. Or maybe it's because she's stealing lyrics and tunes from other artists and palming them off as her own. So...

Dear Cheryl Cole,
Firstly, change your name back to whatever it was before you married that football guy, you're confusing me. Secondly, your strange little dolly is a liar and a thief and she can't sing.
Yours faithfully,
Deadmau5 fans, Sofi Fans and pretty much all of the UK.

Review of Daft Punk's Tron Legacy soundtrack....

Heres what I think....
 

AMAZING!!!

Mitch McCann's review of Deadmau5's 4X4=12...

I was made aware of this 'review' yesterday just before I had to catch up on some beauty sleep, so I couldn't write yesterday. However.. Hi, I'm here today. Before I start, it's better you read the review for yourself.

*Waits for you to come back*

So, lets break this down shall we. Starting with on major error in the first sentence.

"Ever since Daft Punk broke down the doors of what a techno group could do with their late 2000 single “One More Time”

 If you're going to write a review on a certain genre... You should probably research into that genre... Stating with it's proper title. Which would be 'House' in this case. Or at the very least 'Dance', that way, you've broadened your scope. Also, in the line following this, he mentions that "technology’s place in music has increased exponentially" ... Err... Hasn't it everywhere? Since the birth of music, musicians have been using the newest technology available, it hasn't just happened since 'One More Time'.

My next issue is this line...

"Their epic tapestries of music forced techno into the mainstream and not only presented themselves to the world, but paved the way for others to do so as well."

 And my problem is this. Daft Punk were very well established a long time before 'One More Time', in fact I'd say about 5 years before that with their debut single 'Da Funk' and the follow up 'Around The World' which was huge. Those are the songs that put Daft Punk and French House on the map. I'm not sure whether Mitch was around in the 90's, or whether he was genetically frozen from 1990 to 1999, but I seem to remember a huge chunk of it being all about Dance music. In fact, so was the 80's and 70's - More-so if anything. Daft Punk didn't bring Dance music to the lime-light. Without Funk, we would not have House. Anyway, I'm going off course. Also.... There's that 'Techno' mistake again.

Next is this... Which doesn't make much sense in my opinion...

"However, not all press is good press and sometimes just because you can produce music, doesn’t mean you should."

 Pretty sure it does, Mitch. Unless you want people who can't produce music to do it?  A word to any producers who can do it properly... You definitely should. Because I'm sick of Will.I.Am. Oh and the first line "Not all press is good press"... Where is this press coming from Mitch? If you're talking about press involving Deadmau5, I'm pretty sure most of it is good press mate. And if it isn't, it's usually people who are ill-informed of the genre *cough* or people who think he's a 'sell-out'. But whatever right? He's got the cash to do what the fuck he wants because he's been a success. I wonder why that is.

Now. If you are someone who listens to and knows about Dance and it's sub-genres. The next few lines are a direct hit to the gonads. Or vag. Whatever.

"but to those who are able to listen to his music while not under the influence and away from the glamour and stigma of the genre are able to see that these trance, Tech-House, electro, dance, dubstep (or whatever the fuck you want to call them) beats belong alongside Ke$ha in some trashy club, not on your iTunes."

First of all. I have never been to a gig/rave/party/club where everyone is out of their fucking nut and thats the only reason they enjoy the music. Actually, most of the people I know who listen to dance are under 20, a lot who are under 18 and CAN'T go to clubs and gigs. And guess what... they're what built these artists up from the ground. They're the ones who have gone out and bought the albums, the singles, the tee shirts and spread the word about them. So maybe, Mitch, in the future, you'll actually stop to think about who is actually listening to these artists on their itunes. Unless you wanna go by ugly stereotypes and spread that shit all over the internet... Oh and Ke$ha? You really have no idea about this genre do you?

For a genre that has and will continue to gain considerable ground and no doubt continue to inch its way into the mainstream, “performers” like deadmau5 will soon be idolized, the Springsteen in a genre that will one day be king, and that makes me terribly, terribly sad.

Does it? You wanna know what makes me sad? Bullshit popstars who don't write their own songs, mimes on stage and are pretty much only famous because society deems them 'Pretty' filling up the charts with their crap. Thats what makes me sad. So bring on the 'Trance, Tech-House, electro, dance, dubstep (or whatever the fuck you want to call them)' artist who have some fucking talent to fill up to top 40.

Mitch then goes on to attack then listens of Deadmau5 (or House, I still can't tell whether he just ranting about a genre he will never understand)

"These derivative beats are solely for hipsters that consider themselves too hip to be hipsters to bump in their car or in their over-priced, over-sized headphones."

Wrong. We sit on the internet all night talking about how much we hate people like you. We don't even have cars. And my rather small headphones were £25. Cheap compared to what 'Hipsters' actually buy, which is probably something ridiculously over priced from Apple.

"I almost pity Zimmerman, because the tough thing about techno is you’re either “it” or you’re nothing"

And heres the track that Deadmau5 is most famous for...



And there's Daft Punks 'One More Time'...




And finally...

"and when your contemporaries are the likes of Daft Punk, Justice and LCD Soundsystem, it’s hard not to look like just another guy with a gigantic foam mousehead and a laptop."

So... Where exactly are these other guys with giant foam mau5heads? I only see one. And he's done a lot better then you with just 'a laptop'. Which by the way, turns out to actually be, a G5 MacBook Pro, Apoge Ensemble soundcard, a 16×16 Monome DJ controller, a Pioneer DJM 800, a Pioneer EFX 1000 and two ipads to replace the Lemur that broke.


So, my advice to anyone planning on 'reviewing' an album. Firstly get the artists genre right. Secondly.. Don't mention Daft Punk if it's a 'dance' artist and thirdly.. Actually review the album. I dunno if you noticed, but Mitch didn't actually do that.

Sundays Hate Campaign... Plus Special Guest.

This weeks 'Sundays Hate Campaign' has a very special guest.... Snow.

I'll get Mr. Collins over and done with now, so.

 Now onto the snow. I was going to write about this the first day it snowed, but I thought it would be better if I let my grumpiness build up inside me for a few days, and then let it all out in one go. It snowed for about four days here in the UK, which irritated me enough in the first place. But what annoyed me more than the fact that it snowed, was the facebook status updates making sure I didn't forget that there was some frozen water falling from the sky. Not to mention the photo uploads.
'Yes, I realise it's snowing, I've been out in it all day, I can see it through my window, I don't need it on my PC screen...Please kindly stop it'.
'But it's so pretty'
Lets just get something straight right now. Snow is only ever pretty on mountains or in Forrest's where people rarely go. NOT when it's a grey slush that has been trampled on to within an inch of it's annoying life. People ruin the beauty of many things, but snow would be the number one example.

This is how snow can be pretty.

On Friday night it rained quite heavily, so I thought 'Ah, that'll melt away the rest of the snow that hasn't fucked off already'. It didn't. It just made everything more slippery and slushier than before, making walking to the shops about as safe as playing Russian Roulette. Where I could, I walked in the road, which, lets be honest, is the wrong place for a pedestrian. It pretty much gives out the message 'I'd rather be hit by a car than fall into the cold snow'... Which I would rather. I hate the cold and I hate it even more when the cold is accompanied but wet.

I refuse to let this happen to me.

However... An upside to the rain was it warmed a bit. And when I say a bit, I mean I could cut down the sock wearing from seven pairs to about 5. I could also take off my thermal catsuit, which I had been wearing for three days. Next week, I'll be back to wearing my trademark outfit...

Dear Facebook...

Here are a few issues I've noticed on facebook since I got out of the bath ten minutes ago.

Failure to deliver three status updates to the new feed AND my wall.
Failure to delete two of afore-mentioned statuses when they finally and randomly did appear on my wall.
Failure to keep all three status updates on my wall.
Failure to delete an inbox message.
Repeatedly sending me teh same two notifications... 5 times in ten minutes...
Opening and closing my chat box in the middle of conversations.

Now, Facebook, I am going to assume that you are not a 5 year old and the you can indeed fix these problems. I'm sure it can't be that difficult? This may sound a little crazy, but perhaps you could fix the existing problems on facebook instead of trying to 'improve' everything else. Everything worked relatively well before you started messing around with things.

Sincerly,
Pissed of member.

Extra Effort

I'm trying out new Tac-Tics today... New methods of hate, if you will.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

 

WTF is this shit?

A friend of mine very kindly made me this after a Tinychat session I had with some friends for a forum...

I thought it was very appropiate for this blog so I think I'm going to use it quite often.

Repeating myself repeating myself.

Two days ago I broke my third blackberry. I was wandering up the stairs, as you do, with my little Storm II in my pocket when it slipped out and down half a set of stairs and crashed onto the hard wooden floor below. Surprisingly, this didn't make me grumpy, though I put that down to me being previously grumpy about a previous subject matter.Whatever. Point is I currently have no phone. Which is driving me nuts in a variety of different ways. I can't listen to my music on the train, I can't update my facebook status every 5 minutes, I can't take picture of unimportant things and upload them to facebook, I can't prank call.... The main thing that is irritating me most about not having a phone, is telling people I don't have a phone.

I posted on facebook, when I broke my phone, that I probably wouldn't have a phone for the next few days, possibly a week, apparently foolishly thinking that people will read it.  I guess not, because I still have people asking me "Oh hey, did you get my text?"..
No, I didn't
"Why"
My phone is broken.
"Why"
It fell down the stairs.
"Why?"
.....

And then most of the time, turns out the text simply said "Hello, how are you?" Which is another thing I hate. Dude, I just saw you, you know how I am. A lot of my IRL friend will verify the fact that I mostly ignore texts and BBM. I don't do so well with 'chit chat' on phones. I find it pointless and time wasting. I'd rather have an actual conversation.

Another thing I seem to find myself repeating is 'No, I don't sell my Deadmau5 paintings'. Which NEVER sinks in. I love that people want to buy it, I love that people like it and I appreciate it. But for the love of my sanity can people not read? I've lost count of how many times and how many places I've said this online. And then, a lot of the time those people get grumpy with me because I wont sell something that I own. What the actual fuck? You complaining about my not selling it to you, will not make me want to sell it to you. I usually just send them a link to my video showing how to 'do it yourself' and hope that stops them. That painting is a curse just as much as it is a blessing.

Sooo.... MOAR HATE!! :D

SUNDAY/MONDAY/TUESDAY HATE!!!

Yes Ben Collins.... Thats you. I hate you.

Also... CAPS LOCKS HAS BEEN REALLY IRRITATING ME RECENTLY, JUST FUCKING TURNS ITSELF ON WHENEVER IT FEELS LIKE IT. What a wanker.

Also also. University. That is all.

Daft Punk: Dazed and Confused 3D interview.

No time to be grumpy this week for tomorrow is the day the December issue of Dazed and Donfused comes out. Normally, I wouldn't give a shit... However, the December issue features an all new interview with my most favouraite band EVER... Daft Punk. Not only do we get a new interview (which is to promote the new Tron Legacy soundtrack) but we also get some rather amazing photographs by Sharif Hamza to look at... in 3D!

So, my fellow Dafts... Go out tomorrow and buy Dazed and Donfused if you can and I shall resume being grumpy next week.

Sundays Hate Campaign

This weeks 'Sundays Hate Campaign' involves pretty much everything in the world.
But still mostly Ben Collins.

So. I'm sure you'd love to know how my weekend was. There was about 3 or 4 hours on saturday night which was good. In which time I went to the cinema with my friends to see Jackass 3D (I don't hate that... Nor do I hate Johnny Knoxville and his bottom in glorious 3D) but the rest of the weekend was shite. Friday I stayed in, and it was shite, saturday daytime was shite .... WOAH! Forget all that shit... My step dad just came home with a light up stick... WITH A LASER ON THE END!!

Bye fuckers.

Edit... Just to prove I wasn't lying about the light up stick...

Bitches don't know about my feelings

Don't you hate it when someone stops talking to you for no reason. I know I do. You know what I hate more though? When that person not only stops talking to you, but then goes and becomes best buds with one of your closest friends and they know that this person is your friend, but no, they HAVE to talk to your best friends. And you know what the worst part is? You and that person used to be so close.


 I'm done with this shit. Fuck you.

Two shite days and bottle caps.

Well... I've had a crap weekend. I won't bore you with the details but it involved nearly being thrown down the stairs. But what makes it even worse is that this weekend was meant to be amazing. Saturday night I was meant to see Missing Andy at the Bridge House II. I was really really looking forward to it. But then the gig got cancelled due to an electrical fault. So I was pretty bummed out but I thought I'd take the opportunity to stay in and do some artwork. Which actually went relatively well. Other than a decent drawing I did, the rest of to weekend was awful. I mean, really bad. Like I've had bad weekends, but this was some srs shit. Again, I won't go into it because it's a private matter. And you know, the only redeeming feature of the weekend was, after being thrown out, a young boy, about 6, maybe 7, saying to me, in a squeaky, yet very cockney way "Ello Darlin'" as I walked passed him. I though it was kinda of cute, in a funny way. But even that was ruined by him joining his mates in throwing bottle caps at me, which just seemed to firmly solidify the shitness of the past two days. Thanks universe.

Just incase you were wondering..

I still hate Ben Collins... I was just incredibly busy yesterday and couldn't post my usual 'Sunday Hate Campaign'

Steve's Big Toe, Staircases and Paintbrushes.

Tonight, my sister and I went to Camden's Proud Galleries to see Missing Andy play. They were great, but I'm not here to write about great things. So I'll start with the price of drinks at 'Proud'. I ordered a bottle of Stella for my sister and a Malibu and cola for myself. I watched the bar-tender grab a bottle from the fridge and place it in front of us, then bend down to get a class for my drink. He came back up and placed a 7oz class on the bar. I instantly shot a worried look at my sister, I knew the drink would be expensive, but I expected a little more than 7oz for my money. Just to get that in some sort of perspective, 7 oz is 0.35 pints. A pint in my local pub costs between £2.50 and £3, or there abouts. He then proceeded to fill the glass with ice, which I hate anyway, but he put like, 20 cubes of ice in the thing! Anyway, he puts a shot of Malibu in and tops it with Cola, turns to me and says "£7.60 please"... SEVEN. SIXTY! What? Seven pounds and sixty pence for a SMALL bottle of Stella and a 7 oz class of ice layered with basically just Malibu. Well, it was too late by then, I paid then man and kept the cup.

The Venue itself was a bit odd. In the day time, it's a gallery. For photographs of musicians... and F1 drivers. And by night it's a music venue. It's split into three 'sections'; the first, on your left as you walk in, is some kind of hipster room. Lots of irritating people with stupid haircuts pretending they're poor and not dancing to the 'all night DJ'... Who leaves at 1:30 am. On the left however, it's slightly less annoying, though still quite annoying. This room is full off 'Woo Girls', throwing their underwear at the band (which was actually hilarious by the way) Usually, I don't mind the 'Woo girls' but there were two there tonight who kept standing RIGHT in my way. Another thing I hate. It's simple logic. You're taller than me, don't stand directly in front of me when you have THE WHOLE GOD DAMN ROOM to stand in and dance like a fucking moron. So in the end I wriggled my way to the very front of the crowd, where the stage was. That way, no one could stand in front of me. Not even the twattish photographer who gave me a dirty look. The slag.

The room next to this appeared to be made of wood and flashing lights. They were in fact old stables, which is actually quite cool, if you don't mind  the idiots standing in the middle of the central walkway. You have a booth, fucking use it, you retard. Though, I didn't spend a great deal of time here, I only walked through to go to the 'Smoking Area' which is always too small, where ever you go.

Basically what I'm saying is, if you're a hipster, you like looking at photographs of (mostly dead) people,over-priced drinks, annoying women who throw their clothes around or wood and flashy lights, go to Camden's Proud Galleries. It's right opposite the pretentious 'earth shops'.

Tumblr.

Ya. I have a Tumblr. Mainly for my boring artwork/photography that no one looks at/cares about, but also, because it's one of the only website that is guaranteed to royally piss me off. Almost everyone on there is a horrid little whiny hipster bitch who complains about their weight and looks, yet post photographs of themselves on a daily basis. Its a place that fuels this place really. When I get too pissed off with the constant attention seeking behaviour, which is usually within minutes, I have to leave the dashboard, or close the tab altogether. Everyday I pray for one day that I can log into Tumblr and NOT see a slightly out of focus black and white photograph of some twat in a straw hat smoking a skinny. I hate that pretentious attitude. And actually, it's found a hell of a lot in my chosen career field. Photography. And it's usually shit photographers who use this pretentious attitude. That smug look they constantly hold and they way the look down at everyone else, while they look up to the same boring photographers 'the industry' else does because they're 'so innovative'. I hate that they play at being 'poor' when they live in Chelsea with mummy and daddy, never done a days work and sit around on their mac books all day, illegally downloading shit songs and constantly looking for instant gratification from society, while denying the fact they do.

Everyone knows I have a hate list. Most people know who is on my hate list... Hipsters are currently ranking in at number 3. And not surprisingly, I've ended up in two separate classes with a good handful of annoying, nauseating, arrogant twenty somethings acting like they're 16 in clothes that are too small for them (why do they do that?) and shoes with no soles. You know what pisses me off too. The 'fake lens' glasses. Not for the usual reasons people hate it though. I had it because, now, I can't wear mine. I'll be instantly branded not only a hipster, but something possibly worse, or the same thing... A hypocrite. And I'm not sure I'll be able to go through my three years at university without punching some one out. I can imagine that someone will say something incredibly stupid and ignorant and I'll just flip out. Actually, funny story... Monday, I met one of my lecturers for the first time. Guess what... I don't like her. Yeah, I wasn't surprised to come to that conclusion either. But, you know, there is actually a reason. My camera lens is fucked, completely, so I'm getting a new one, so I thought "Hey, she's a photographer, she actually a university lecturer... She'll know something, right?" so I casually walk over to her and ask what her opinion was on my wanting to buy an 18-135mm. Her response should have been expected really...
her:"It depends on what you're used to and how much you're willing to spend"
me: "Well, the one I'm looking at is £200"
her: "The more you spend the better the lens"
me: "I don't exactly have a lot to spend"
her: "well what's your budget?"
me: "Er... £200"

Well, thank you, that was helpful. She then asked me what lens I already have (even though I'd explained I don't have a working lens, which is why I'm buying a new one)

Me: "Er, I did have an 18-55mm but it seized up"
Her: "I personally like the 18-55mm, why don't you get a new one of those?"
Me: "Well, to be honest, I'm a little bored of using the same lens"
Her: "Perhaps you're not using it creatively enough"

PERHAPS I'M NOT USING IT CREATIVELY ENOUGH!!
Hey Miss... Fuck you. You can't say something THAT retarded and be a university lecturer. I should explain that the woman has never seen a single photograph I've taken, but she can assume that I'm not using my lens creatively enough because I said I was bored of uses an 18-55mm lens, that comes with the camera body anyways. Hmm, yes, it is a nice lens, but I've had it for over a year now. I get bored of things easily, therefore, I change those things. You can't just say I'm not being creative because I got bored of something. Suck my dick please.

Anyways, back to what I was originally ranting about. Last week, another photography lesson, someone asks "Do I need to buy a mac for this course?" To my surprise, my lecturer said "No, but it's recommended, they're used throughout the industry" which they are, I have come to terms with the fact. And then something magical happened. The class had a short discussion about Macs... And I kept quiet. That's right, I didn't say a word. I bit my tongue and didn't talk. I was proud of myself for a while. I thought I'd finally learned 'when to shut up' then I started to think Until I got outside and unleashed on my friends. Boring them to death about PC's. So, after break I walk into the lecture theatre, and there is this guy sitting there, scruffy blond hair, silly hat, checked shirt, fake glasses, beard and yep, you guessed it... A mac book. I don't know what type of mac book this was exactly, I never really stick around long enough to find out what any of them are, but he sat there, slouched in his seat like he had the world on his shoulders, probably posting pictures of mushrooms of leaves of some shit onto Tumblr. I decided to ignore him and went back to my seat with my friends. Then something horrifying happened. A group of about 5 or 6 walk into the theatre. One girl, wearing a baggy tee shirt as a dress (srsly, wtftheres like 7 of them. Sitting there, staring at a laptop screen, drinking coffee and pretending to be better than everyone else in the room and planning their weekend on a 'budget'. There are AT LEAST seven of them!

I think I'm going to set up a little experiment to keep me entertained for the next few weeks. Firstly, watch what they're doing on their Macs. Watch how they interact with each other and 'outsiders'. Then perhaps ask them a series of questions...
How many gears do you have on your bike?
How cheap was you Mac book?
"So you have an ipod touch?" "No, this is an iphone 4" "... So you have an ipod touch"
What strength are you glasses?
How 'retro' are you exactly?
How 'ironic' are you?
How do you feel about /b/?
Are you a master of 'parkour'?

.. Among others.

Moving on.

Yesterday was a big day in my life.... Yes, that's right... I took down my Stig posters. I took them all down and stared at the empty space where they once were. I just stared at the pale, whitish green paint that hugged the wall on a daily basis. I held the papers in my hand, still not quite wanting to let them go. It's The Stig. He's still The Stig. Nothing can change that. Can it? Everything changes. The people in your life, the food you like, growing up, growing down, growing sideways. Which ever way you grow. Everything. Changes. I don't look at The Stig now and see The Stig. I see a desperate and limp man. Someone to almost feel sorry for. I don't see a childlike innocence in him like I used to. Yeh, right, I know, I'm weird, I'm lame, he's just a guy in a racing helmet. Except he wasn't. He was a member of a well rounded foundation. Whether he saw that or not. I'm looking at the top poster now, I'm not sure if in pity or disgust. Most likely a combination of both. I place them in the bed in front of me and stare back at the wall.

You know something I realised today? I have this DVD, Top Gear Winter Olympics. There's an extra on that DVD. It's simply The Stig sliding around the Top Gear track in a red Vauxhall Monaro VXR. I'd watch it every time I felt a little sad. And it never failed to cheer me up. That simple 5 minute clip. The slow motion, the Bach Cello Suite No.1 soundtrack. It's poetry in motion. And no I can't enjoy it. It does the opposite to what it used to. It actually saddens me now. I can't watch it knowing that inside that monaro isn't an awesome half robot, half man alien driving machine from space and instead it's just some poncy little twat who thinks it's okay to crush every ones trust and then bugger off to fucking ff...ffffffff....fffiiifth gear.

But you know what... Even though he's taken away one of my favourite pick me ups, actually one of my favourite things in general, I'm still not completely sad. Because there's a much better pick me up he's left behind. He took away something far more valuable from himself. Respect.

I can't hate The Stig. It's not his fault he was played by a twat. My mum put my posters back up before I got home from uni. She knows me so well.

Sundays Hate Campaign

Ben Collins, I hate you.

Sundays Hate Campaign

Ben Collins, I hate you.






**Special Guest Appearance**

 Orlando Voorn, I also hate you.

Facebook Fail

So facebook died today for a while and everyone was all like http://www.m0ar.org/893

Long Live Underground.

Right, you guys are probably bored of this already, but fuck, I have to get this off my chest.
Orlando Voorn. Dude... WTF? Don't you ever, EVER assume something about me ever again. Just because I'm a Deadmau5 fan, doesn't mean I don't know who you are. It doens't mean I worship him like a God. And it doesn't mean I'm a retard. Yes, there are a lot of fucktards in the Deadmau5 fanbase, but there are fucktards in EVERY fanbase. DO NOT attack an entire fanbase, dick.

As for 'Long live underground'... NOTHING is underground, there is no fucking underground. Deal with it. As long as people are uploading their music to the world wide web, nothing will ever be underground. If you want to be 'underground' stop uploading your tracks to fucking SoundCloud, go and sit in a basement listening to them on vinyl and jacking off to them. Because thats all underground is worth today. And I don't  give two shits how long you've been in the music business, it doesn't give you the right to slag off A) other artists and B) (most importantly) the people buying that artists work. This may be why the world forgot about you, I dunno, it's just my personal opinion. I've been listening to House music for, I can't even count how many years now and before that, I was listening to all sorts of Genres, and still do, but the House scene has always, to me, been one of the most loving and sharing music scenes I've come across. And occationally, dickheads like you fuck that all up and make everyone else looks like twats. I look like a twat right now, blogging about how much of a twat you are, but at this moment in time, I don't care. I'll probably care tomorrow and think "I should have stayed of Blogger yesterday"... But yet again, you've fucked me off. More than you did yesterday with your childish bullshit track. That was, in it's own way, humourous. Now you're just being a cunt. There look, you've made me use the C-word... THE FUCKING C-WORD.

Surely if you had a problem with Joel, you'd fucking message him and say "Yo, whats the deal?" and fucking talk to him about it, not be a childish little fucker and write a track about it. After all, you have him on Skype right? And yes, I do realise I'm being childish by writing this blog, but hey, fuck off, I'm 19, I'm young, I don't know when to shut up. If I had you on Skype I'd definitely say "Dude, wtf?" and talk to you about it. But I don't, all I have is this blog and right now, my anger.

Oh and, one more thing... Do you really think Joel would only want the track so he could bang his head on his mau5head... Grow up.

Paco di Bango's world of bullshit.

Whats hot right now? Don't listen to 'Heat' magazine, because they're way off the mark... I'll tell you whats hot... Having an online rivalry with Deadmau5. Yes that right, Rusko started off the craze a few months ago, then Mr. Oizo joined in, and now, Hilarious little fucker, Orlando Voorn has taken the craze to a brand new level... By writing a song about Deadmau5. You can hear the track here.

If you don't know the story.. It coz a little something like this. Mr. Voorn made a lovely track called 'Paco Di Bango's World' and then Mr. Zimmerman (aka Deadmau5) heard it and thought "I wanna do something with that" so he didn't. Mr. Voorn never gave Deadmau5 permission to release the track, so he didn't. It was simply a track he made for shit n giggles. So about half an hour ago, I get a message from a good friend of mine, just after reading a blog post from Deadmau5, asking if I had heard of what Orlando was up to. I hadn't, so my pal explained what had happened and sent me a link to the track. And it's 2:12 in the morning, I should be in bed, asleep, but instead I'm blogging because Mr. Voorn has pissed me off something rotten. And I know I shouldn't let shit like this get to me, but it does. Along with Top Gear and Daft Punk, Deadmau5 is one of the things I will always jump in a defend.

So now there's this bitter rivalry between Orlando and Joel, which Joel didn't even know existed until today. Just because Mr. Voorn is upset that Deadmau5 has a little more success than him and used one of his tracks for a sample. Earth to Orlando.. Thats what musicians do! Now, I don't know anything about Orlandos music, 'paco di Bango's world' is the only track I've ever heard of his, but I'm willing to put money on the fact that he has actually sampled at least one other track during his career. And I'm doing exactly what Orlando wants by writing this blog... Giving him publicity, but I'll be damned if some jumped up little prick like him tries to take down something I've helped build. Whatever kinda of stage Joel is on at the moment... We put him there, it didn't just happen over night. Which is maybe something Orlando should think about... His fans. And not a stupid and childish attempt to ruin fellow producers career. What on earth did he think he would accomplish from this? Did he think this would make all the Deadmau5 fans sit up and think "Holy Fuck! He's right, why did I buy all those Tickets and CD's and download all of his tracks, he's so obviously crap and a sell out" It's fucking playground behaviour.... I know a song that will get on your nerves type bullshit. "My dad could beat up your dad" mentalities. You're a fucking adult, not a 5 year old. So, Mr. Voorn, why don't you get off of your high horse and back to ground level where you belong and while you're down there, suck my dick.

Sundays Hate Campaign... A Little Early.

Tomorrow, I will still have my 'Sundays Hate Campaign, in which I remind Ben Collins of my hatred for him. I actually don't hate a lot of people, and hate is a strong word, I only use it when I really mean it. And when you take something that I love away from, thats when I use it... Ruthlessly. Today was the launch of The Suns new Saturday Magazine called 'The Buzz' almost instantly I was slapped in the face with this image...

The paragraph underneath reads:
"He May look a bit 'Middle Managment', But behind that drives-a-Mondeo exterior is a superhero. For Ben Collins - Formerly Top Gears The Stig - is ex-military and Bond movie stunt man.
"Your readers can judge whether I look like superman" He says. "All I see when I look in the mirror is a bloke who hasn't slept in a week."
Could that be down to the court case that followed The Stig's removal of his helmet after six years of anonymity?
Ben says: "I felt The Stig's life span was over, so it was a case of jump or get pushed.""

What. The. Actual. Fuck? Read that last line again..
"I felt The Stig's life span was over, so it was a case of jump or get pushed"
Excuse me Mr. Collins, but who said you can choose when The Stigs life was over? And why do you think it's okay to destroy something that somebody else has created? Just because YOU think it's over? That doesn't sound like a superhero to me. Sounds a lot like a supervillian. Selfish and greedy. Remember the famous Barack Obama quote "People will judge you on what you can build, not what you can destroy." Andy Willman and Jeremy Clarkson created The Stig, so it's down to them to decide when his time is up, not some snotty twat from Bristol. Or anyone else for that matter. What makes this a lot worse, to me at least, is that he's being put on a pedelstal by 'The Buzz'. I mean, you read it yourself, they actually called him a superhero. That pissed me right off. I know for a fact that it's not just me who loved The Stig, I also nkow for a fact a lot of kids looked up to The Stig. I've actually had a child say to me "I want to be like The Stig when I'm older" Well, not now you don't kid, because if you turned out like him, everyone will hate you. Ben hasn't just destroyed The Stig, he's destroyed something within the Top Gear basis, and any respect people had for him. And yes, I used to respect Ben. I used to wacth him in F3 and both Le Mans races he raced in. I would have even called myself a 'fan' of sorts, just as I'm a fan of Schumacher, or anyone in racing (With exception to Alonso, I dislike him a lot) And now I have nothing be hatred for him. He's the personification of everything I hate. Greed, deceit, show boating, you name it, I bet he has the quality. And no amount of Military work of Bond films will ever change that for me. It's something impressive. A lot of people are in the military or were, whats so exciting about him being in the military? Anyone could have been that Bond stunt driver.

Ben, do yourself a favour will you... Put your clothes back on, no one wants to see your chest, take that smug look off your face and fuck off. You are now a media puppet. Enjoy it while it lasts and lets hope you get enough money from it to replace the money you would still be getting from The BBC if you'd kept your whiney little trap shut. And in the future, if you want to take your clothes off for a free newspaper magazine, don't use The Stigs image... It's not yours.

Grump Free Zone

So, this week, I've been pretty grump free. Only thing I can think of that pissed me of was a pair of socks. And weeing a lot, because that means getting out of my chair. Which I hate doing. I think, possibly this has a lot to do with the amount of sugar I've consumed this week. It's been a lot, I'm better on almost like, 2 tonne or something. So I'm literally running around my house after the cat just to touch it's fuzzyness and then run back up stairs to post on facebook... AGAIN. So I've been getting grumpy about stupid things, The Sun, Socks, my rug.. ect, and then fogetting about them. I'm drinking a least like a litre of Dr Pepper a day. I made cakes yesterday, two of which I ate, Trifle, and when I say Trifle I mean 'Whipped cream', cookies, chocolate biscuits, you name it. I, however, have no idea why, I don't even really like sweet foods anyways.

Anyways, because I've been super hyper this week and not grumpy, I thought I'd tell you about how t0ttaly PWND a Spitter on Left 4 dead 2. Because even I was impressed with myself, and I suck. So I was playing 'The Parish' campaing and was up in the little attic room, the one where you can either go straight throough into the kitchen or up the stairs into the attic bedroom and then through the hole in the ceiling into the kitchen. So anyways, I was up there collecting ammo and various other things when all of a sudden I hear "EEAAIIIAIIAEIEIEAI" which is obviously the spitter, So I'm like "Fucking bitch, I'm gonna get you for that you you spat on me while I was being raped by a hunter" (See, I suck) so I stand next to the wall on which the door is. The door btw is blocked by like a chest of drawers or something similar. So I'm standing there waiting for this spitter to do her dirty business, the bots are all freaking out coz the can hear her gobbing around. I switch from my Melee to my gun and hear her getting closer. By now, she's at the door, you know when you just know that a spitter is at the door, it was pretty much like that. And I bet she's thinking "Well where the hell is Ellis?" She doesn't realy care because she spits all over the other three, but JUST as she leans forward to spit  *BOOM* Head shot. Spitter brains everywhere. I even drew a picture detailing the event.

Also, another little window into how I suck. Tank. Molotov. Small room. Not a great idea. Though I did live through it.

Sundays Hate Campaign...

I hate you Ben Collins.

FREE PORN ON THE NHS!!

Fuck yeah! Free porn. No wait... it's wasting tax payers money...
I read about this story today and it made me immediately grumpy. Apparently, the National Health Service here in The UK provides pornographic magazine and films for sperm donors to get their baby making juices flowing. But people have been accusing the NHS of wasting money (whats new there?) and supporting the pornographic industry. I have a few things to say to these people. The first being that if you think the NHS is wasting money, on whatever it is you think it's wasting money on, why don't you go private, hmm? We're a country lucky enough to have free health care so shut up or fuck off and pay for it yourself. Secondly, the pornographic industry is one of the richest in the world, so even if The NHS wasn't buying dirty mags, a porn star will be far richer than you will ever be. Another issue I have with these complaints is it's 2010... Grow the fuck up! You have half naked ladies dancing around in music videos and jumping around in their underwear on adverts, so who gives a damn if a hospital has a few porn mags under the desk for a man who is essentially doing someone a favour? It's not as if they're leaving these magazines in the fucking rainbow ward is it. This is very similar to what happened in The South Park Movie... If you're not careful, Satan and Saddam Hessian WILL come back and kill everyone...

Some couples, whether or not they're trying for a baby, will watch a pornographic movie together to get in the mood for the bump and grind... What exactly is the difference here? If it takes a few pictures of a naked lady to get some baby making juice.. So be it. Imagine the scene... You're in the baby making clinic, going in for IVF treatment because unfortunately, nature has other plans for you and your partner and you cannot conceive naturally, but you are absolutely DYING to have a little baby of your own. The doctor walks into the room and says "We have a sperm donor ready (or whatever they say) ... I hope you don't mind that he jerked of to a few pictures the get the sperm for you" What is your response.

A. "No I don't mind, I just want baby making juice"
B. "OMG THAT DISGRACEFUL!! How dare he do that! It's disgusting, my baby will turn out to be a pervert"

The answer is A. Obviously. Because that's how they get all the sperm you know... MASTURBATION! It's nothing new to anyone and it's completely natural so just grow up and get your turkey baster out. You want that kid right? Right. And if you're lucky enough to have children already or are able to... Shut the fuck up, it has nothing to do with you.

Whats got me grumpy..

A few things over the past week have made me grumpy. My head phones breaking, not getting enough sleep and still being grumpy about Ben Collins are all fine examples, but not enough to write about, so this week, since I haven't been grumpy about most of the headlines, or anything major in any way, I've decided to be grumpy about a number of little things I've spotted in the news. I want to start with one from today...

30st worker is laid off....
Now, I don't wish to insult anyone here... Weight is always a delicate issue, but, the guy worked in a factory where he had to climb on platforms to install something or rather. He suffers from diabetes and heart problems. Think to yourself and be honest... Would you employ a 30-Stone man for this type of job? The heart problems are enough to worry any employer, but then you have to think of your other employees out on the floor. What if, one day, he does blackout due to his blood sugar levels, You have a few issues here... 1) What the hell do you do? You don't know what he needs for his diabetes, you don't know what type he has and you can't run to the first aid box because all that in there is a rusty safety pin, three plasters and an empty box of Paracetamol. 2) What if he had fallen onto another employee? Then you have to worry about number 1 and now, a second injured employee. It's bad enough when two people crash into another, but it's worse when one is double the weight of the other. Again, I am genuinely trying not to insult anyone here. 3) What if there's a claim involved? This may sound selfish, but when your company is at risk, you have to be selfish, otherwise you'll go under, very quickly. And the claim thing goes for any accidents in the work place, but when you have someone with health issues working for you and they begin to creep into view, you're more likely to have accidents happening at work.

Anyway, that isn't really the part that bugged me, because even though he took up his employers offer of redundancy and despite his medical issues, he was refused incapacity allowance. This is what irritated me, because people who are completely capable of working get away with hundreds of moneys a year from incapacity allowance, and when someone genuinely needs it, they're turned away. Barry get £21.65 a week from Job-Seekers allowance. That's it, nothing more, nothing less. Just £21.65. I know people less than half his age getting £30 a week on Job Seekers. And they don't even go out and look for jobs.

35ft trees make neighbours angry n shit.
So you want some threes in your front garden? Well, no... It's horrible. If you did that, I wont be able to see your house, you'd get no sunlight into your living room, it would be an eye-sore AND anti-social.... And we don't want that now do we? Well apparently David Alvand did. He has a few small trees in his front garden, they're not even that noticeable at 35ft tall. His neighbours all hate him and want to council to sort it out because it's 'ugly'... Two things 1) THEY'RE TREES! On what planet are trees ugly? 2) Stop overreacting, it's his garden, if he wants to plant a few small trees, let him.

Mother brings baby back to life with her heartbeat.
I have to admit, I started off loving this story. It's an amazing thing, it really is. The idea that, essentially a cuddle brought that baby back into the realm of the living. Then someone thought it would be a great idea for the parents to go travelling around the world with said baby, promoting the technique... Calling it 'Kango Care' (Because Kangaroo use a similar technique to keep their young warm) This is where I got grumpy. Not only is that a ridiculously stupid name, but going around telling women that hugging their dead babies is just cruel. It's giving them yet another false hope. Yes, it worked for this women, doesn't mean it will work for you. And then someone had the audacity to call it a 'miracle'... No it isn't. It's called SCIENCE. It's a basic biological method of survival. I did that same thing when I was maybe 12 years old. Not with a baby, but with a kitten. When our little Louie was born, he wasn't breathing, my immediate reaction was to grab a towel and rub his chest. He's now 10 years old and alive because of me. It's the same thing with this story, except with a heartbeat instead of a hand and a towel. It's naturally built into every living thing. You respond to vibrations and temperatures. It is very far from being a 'miracle'.