This is going to be my new weekly feature. Every Wednesday I'm going to bring you one or two of my favourite things I've found on the Internet in that week. And yes, I know, I'm sorry I didn't report in this Sunday for '
Sundays Hate Campaign' and to be honest I can't remember why... I was probably dead. Anyway, this first installment of '
Mid Week Matters' includes a very... interesting Fan Fic from
ComicsNix. A friend of mine had sent me a link to the story on
Topless Robot (where you can find other hilarious Fics) last night and honestly, I don't remember the last time I laughed this hard. I'll just get on with it, because it's absolutely superb.
The story takes place in 'Return of the Jedi' while Leia, R2-D2 and C3-PO are being held captive by Jabba the Hutt. Here's what happened before Luke Skywalker showed up...
Optimus Prime is entering Megatorn secret base. The fight was vicious and the other transformers got caught. Optimus need to free them. Them, he enters Megatron knig chamber:
"egatro! Free my transformer pals or sufeer lead metal consequences!" shout Potimus.
"AHAHAHH! You will never defeat me Leader of the autoboys! The deceptcions wil rule the galaxy!"
Er... I think that's Megatron? Also... Autoboys? I LOVE IT!
"You will have to jump over my dead corpse!" and Optimus run at Megatron's direction, shooting blaster projectiles. Megatron runs to a secret chamber and Optius go behind. But it's a TRAP!
Optimus get stuck into a titanium metal bar cages, and Megatron brags:
"Now Optimus, you will be my finaceer! Will help to pay my Death Satellite to kill the earth!"
"What?"
Megatron open his Spaceship and embarks the jailbirded Optimus Prime. He set a couse to a distant planet, on a galaxy far way.
HA HA NICE! I like the reference.
After some weeks, the Megatron's space ship arrives at Tatooine. He seeks for Jaba the Hutt, who recieves him:
"So Megatron" say Jobba ", brought me the specimen?"
"Yes" say Megatro" where's the money?"
"Here, and it was very a good exchange I hope we made."
"For sure Jabba, now, here, your new slave." and Megatron lend Optimus to Jabba.
Well, I hope Jabba has the courtesy of returning Prime to Megs once he's finished with him...
"Ah" say Jabba, "a new robot to my collection. You wil entertain my cotumers for some time"
Optimus is very angry and shout to Jabba:
"I'll never be your slave. You cannot control me!"
"Yes I can, if you try to escape, I will kill your cell companions!" and Jabba take Optimus to his cell. There, he finds the other prisioner Jabba was talking about:
"Hi, I'm Leia, this R2-d2 and this is C3-PO."
"Hi Lei,a I'm Optimus Prime, Leader of Autobots. What they are going to do?"
Hopefully go as far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
Oh and btw... A 30 foot robot can't just walk the fuck outta there? Hmm..
"Well, I don't know. Jabba said he opened a new service on Tatooine to entertain people from staying from other planets. I hope he don't kill us...if only I could contact Luke, my brother..."
"Don't be afraidd Leia, I will find a way out." and they waited and talked. Leia told about the rebels, Han Solo in the carbonite and her love for him. The next day, guards wakaned the prisioners and took them to the Colosseum. It ws very big, an was full of aliens and people from all over the universe. Jabba speakes at an microphone:
"Greetings dear customers. Welcome to the first Luxury Multi Species Colloseum of the galaxy! Here, our first slaves will have pleasures beyond imagination, and will please you too. Don't feel ashamed, put your clothes off and jerk at will. No extra expenses are charged by cleaning the place. Toilet paper is at your right side of your chair. Codoms are charged separately. Have safe sex...and let the show begins!"
I hope that paper isn't the scratchy kind you get in super market restrooms... Not that I've knocked on out in a supermarket...
Optimus are there, looking around seeing that multitute of people. He can do nothing, even if he tries to fight, Jabba can kill Leia and the others. They are fragile, so he must let go his pride and please that hautingly audience of pedos.
"Dude... we're at the wrong show again. I don't wanna watch a thousand year old cybertronian robot.... Way too old for me bro"
All of the five slaves have micro microphones, so wath they say, the audience can enjoy. Jabba firmed a contract with the costumers that moanings and profanities are a right they have, so the slaves must keep shit chatting while sodomizing one another. Prime sits on the dirty ground and wait. Leia comes near him:
"Oh Optimus, sorry that we met this way..."
"Don't be ashamed Leian, it's not our free will that approves this horrifying spectacle of pure sacrilege against flesh and circuits. It will be over in some hours." said the twenty foot tall robot.
A COUPLE OF HOURS?! Jeez... Whens the next flight to Cybertron....
Leia jumped on Primus legs and walked to his hips.
"Now Optimus, show me your metal cock." said Princess Leia with a moaning and whoring voice and readly, Optimus engaged into the sex serving mode. A hatch opened, and slowly, a cilindrical monster of lead and gold emerged from the opening crotch gate. It was shinning and was totally waxed. But was to big to Leia to be fucked. Forty inches of diameter and and six feet of height.
Honestly, I don't know what to say to this, there's so many things going on.. 'Sex serving mode' ... 'Opening crotch gate' ... 'Totally waxed' ... If I wasn't laughing, I'd be turned on.
Jabba was not pleased:
"How that stupid robot can penetrate Leia now? His dick is taller than me! Megatron fooled me!" regreted Jabba. He kept thinking about a solution.
Leia looked and, because the show must go on, she did her best while Jabba tries to fix the sittuation.
"Oh Optimus, I guess I have to tenderize you metal dick for me to fully apreciate it's wonderfullness."
Stupid robot, how dare you displease Jabba! ... Er tenderizing a giant metal cock? Makes sense to me...
"Leia, your leather clad bikini lighten up my boron buttocks!"
This however, doesn't.
Leia rubbed with her stretched arms the metal dick, up and down, but it was dragging her skin. Even if it was polished and had no jagged edges, she needed to lubricate it:
"Prime, do you have something good to facilitate my work/?"
"Yes my power love. Here, have this squezing tube. It contains graphite. Just rub all all will be alright" and Leia did it. Her body got darkened by the graphite dust, but she liked it, and masturbating Potimus got very easy and pleasurable.
R2-D2 aproached Optimus and asked permission to land.
First things first... Power love. I hope to God someone uses that as a pet name for me one day. Secondly... Permission to land?
"Granted my fellow cilindrical pal, you can enter my dark caves of mystery." said Optimus.
DARK CAVES OF MYSTERY!!
"Blip Blop Blop!" said R2-D2. This was his first time fucking a robot. He was completely virgin, and was very ashamed he had to expose his intimacy in front of an audience of millions. But their lifes were at stake, so he must swallow all of his prejudcies and engage full head in this life altering experience.
"Leia" said Optimus," hang on!" and Leia hold very harder Optmus dick. Optimus got up a bit and gave space to R2-D2. Leia was hanging on Optimus dick while R2-D2 seached the best cordinates to penetrate Optimus experimental anus. Luckly for him, Prime's anus was automated to adjust the best diameter for foreign objects entering him.R2-D2 positioned and Optimus seated on him.
Wow.. that
was lucky huh?
R2 was shaking and freightened. Optimus anal cavity was dark and moist, had some loose wires and was rusting from inside. He started to think sex was not made to coward robots like him.
"Don't be afraid" said Optimus to R2 "I'll help you!" and Optimus bowels lights got on. Everything wwas iluminated and R2 really saw what it really was.
Dear Santa... I want Bowel Lights.
A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place. A camera apppeared from a wall and photographed R2-D2, and immediatelly put a portrait of him on a the bowel wall.
I promise you will never read a better sentence then 'A beautifully a adorned rectum' ... EVER!
Also I seem to remember that Bumblebee was the only thing that ever went up Primes arse. OH SNAP!
Optimus bowel's walls were made of carbon nanotubes covered with soft pinky pillows of pure petunia's cotton. They ajusted on the fly the pressure over R2 body and the elevator speed, acording to R2-D2 willingness to go deeper with his innermost sexual fantasies. At first R2 wanted togo slow, to fell the texture on his metal cover. But latter, his inhibition got away, and the elevator got faster, and Optimus got a surprise for him. Neon gas tubes apeared on the walls, and a range of different colors illuminate inside Optimus's ass with all colors of the spectrum. It was a really shame R2-D2 couldn't smell the daisy fragance permeating Optimus Prime's anus. R2 had no nose.
I forgot what was written after 'R2 had no nose' ... Too busy laughing. Oh wait I remember... Yeah, for bowels that sounds like a lovely place to be, might visit there next summer.
As R2-D2 was a robot, even infrared and ultraviolet colors appeared, and that profusion of rainbow happyness filled R2-D2 with the purest passion he never had from his robotic pairs. He always was considered the freak of the robot school. Every robot dispised him, because of his adventurous ambition. He wanted to see the stars, the other life forms. He didn1t want to be a hamburger frying slave all of his life, doing menial tasks that no one would remember in the future. No, he wanted to be remembered, wanted to leave a mark on history.
His robotic schoolmates were just stupid for him, so he picked fights all the grades he did. Trouble was hhis name and no one loved him, because no one approved his future plans for his life. But finally, he found someone robot that can see him from inside, someone that want to please him, that wants to give a hand and collect nothing in return. C3-PO is his friend, but Optimus is his lover.
Easy to assume Prime is your lover when you're fully immersed in his anus while he's being jacked off by princess Leia. I wish this was my life.
To return the favour to Optimus opening his eyes to the sexual lust all robots should have in their lifes, R2-D2 started to expell small shock waves inside Optimus bowel, giving the Autobot the most tender demonstration of love and gratitute he ever recieved in his life. This action reflected at Optimus penis, that got slightly more elongated, something that pleased Leia:
"Optimus Prime" said Princess Leia with a sensual voice, "you are a very horny individual!"
"Oh Leia, don't say that. Actually, this is the first time someone rubs my dick."
While rubbing Optimus dick with her humid engorged vagina, Leia felt a bit sorry for that robot:
'Poor giant robot' :( *rub rub rub*
"Oh Optimus, you don't use your cock with much frequency don't you?"
Optimus lowered his head and sighed:
"...no. It is a problem being this tall. My autobot friends don't have sexual apeetites actually. Being the leader, I'm the only capable of maintaning sexual intercouse systems. No other autobot have it...and being anally penetrated don't really give me chills."
Hey Prime... I think I know of a few 'bots who are relatively the same size as you.... Who cares if they can't 'maintain sexual intercourse' ... Rape was invented for a reason.
Leia got tears in her eyes. She embrace Optimus dick very hard, trying to consolate that lone robot...but life is not that easy. She wanted to be twenty foot tall that moment.
"Allright!" said Jabba to Optimus from the microphone "my engineers are going to adapt this organic penis at your crotch. This will give somethnig more consitent in terms of action to our marvellous costumers." and a couple of alien men went and started to addaptate the strange alien penis to Prime's body.
WARNING: If you're standing up, sit down. If you're drinking, put the cup down, if you're eating, swallow that last mouthful and stop. You need to be prepared for this next sentence... Here goes..
That penis was the property of a long dead alien.
Jar Jar Binks to be more exact.
No really! That actually just happened and you actually just read that!
After the jedi massacre by the Emperor and Lord Vader, Jar Jar was captured when he was hiding at Tatooine by Jabba's bontyhunters. He was tortured for a week without rest, and after that time, his body got quartered and his penis was sealed inside a carbonite container. A little trophy Jabba had been saving, but his new business need some sacrifices to be made, so now he uses Jar Jar's penis for a greater purpose.
After a while, it's done. The penis is active and Optimus can control it. His entire life he has been praying for a small penis, and now, he have one, given by his owner Jabba. Leia looked Optimus eyes and smilled tenderly. The Jar Jar penis got attached on the top of Optimus metal penis. It looked like a small phimosis.
AAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHA... It looked like a small phimosis!! HAHAHAHAHA.. *breaths* ... God damn, this is by far the best thing I have ever read in my life. Way better than the very hungry caterpillar.
Leia climb his metal dick and reach the top. The moment arrived, finally, Optimus can fuck. Leia slowly put his alien dick inside her wet vagina, and Prime enjoy. Leia doesn't even is felling ashamed of showing her sexual skills in front of millions of spectators. This moment is owned by the two, and they live it to the maximum their bodies permit.
But now, they are reaching their climaxes, and Optimus didn't thought a plan on how to go away. But Leia, while fucking looked to Optimus eyes and made lips movements, and Prime read her lips:
"Contact...Luke...his phone number...is...1...2...3...63...26...7.4...2...4...753.1." and Optimus did. No one could know he was doing that, they had no telephone jammers at the Colisseum. While in contaact with Luke Skywalker, Optimus gave him cordinates of Jabba's palace, and now, he can save Leia.
Wait, this bit's awesome..
The climax arrived. This is the moment Optimus and Leia have been waiting, they consumation of their love for one another, the most pleasurable experience a robot can achieve in his fight directed existence. The Jar Jar penis is ready to cum...Leia's pussy is getting tighter...R2-D2 is already cuming his cumming liquids. ..and them...it fails.
IT FAILS?! Oh what? JAR JAR WHY DO YOU RUIN EVERYTHING?!
Jar Jar's penis get flacid and not a small drip of juice get out. It simply failed. Leia lowered her head, all of the costumers started to shout, profanize and throw tomatoes and lettuces at the sex slaves. Jabba got angry, because his plan got all wrong, and everyone want the money back. But the slaves will pay!
After they returned inside Jabba's palace, Jabba started to talk to them:
"Now, I gonna kill you all, starting by..." but he was interupted.
"Sir, Luke Skywalker is heading to our direction."
Hang on just a minute. AT the beginning of the story it took Megatron a couple of WEEKS to get to Jabba's palace... Skywalker can be spotted on his way there in a few minutes? Wtf? Was he next door or something?
"Luke uh...the execution will wait...come on robots and Leia...you Optimus, stay in the cage, or Leia dies in the Sarlacc pit if I come back and don't see you!" and Optimus stayied at the cell. Leia told him to go away. Luke could save them. But he wanted to stay...his love for her created a strong bound between them. But no, the autoboys are priority...he must go back and save them. Optimus sneaked out of the palace and stole a ship and headed to earth.
AH-HAAA! Again with the Autoboys... Should be a boy band.
While in the ship heading back...he felt something inside his pocket.
In his pocket? In his POCKET?! .... I don't know much about building robots, but I'm fairly sure they don't have pockets...
It was a letter! From Leuia! It reads:
"Optimus, we are in middle of a war, and you and your companions too. But, after all of this ends, please...come back. Now I know who the men of my life is...it's not Solo, it you. I must stay with him after you depart...but if you come back...my arms will be open for you. Love you so much, Leia" and the letter ends. Optimus knew he had a long battle against the Decepticons...but one day...he will make his woman happy...one day.
WONDERFUL! She spend weeks traveling the universe with poor ol' Solo, soon as a giant robot comes along and fucks her, she's ditchin' Solo... Typical.
I should point out now that ComicsNix is a notorious Fan Fic troll and he simply does this 'for the lulz'. I was gonna say that before you read it, but I thought that would take some of the magic away. HOWEVER! All typos are real... It's copied and pasted from the original... Nothing has been tempered with, I promise you. I couldn't make this story any better if my life depended on it.
